My Funeral

 

My Funeral repost from January 26, 2014

Edited

You aren't coming.

Today I came to the horrible realization that no one is going to come to my funeral. Of course I am going to have to die first. Then after that, (the death thing) no one is going to come. If I were not me I would certainly not go to my funeral. Since I am me, I am probably stuck with HAVING to go, otherwise I would skip it.

This all got started when some of us were in a car and we passed a cemetery. There were lots of colorful flowers in the cemetery. This is normally not easy when there is still snow on the ground as there is here. (Please get with Al Gore and hurry that global warming thing along if you could.) So we put tow and tow together which is better than putting two and two together and came to the conclusion that the flowers were plastic.

I asked those in the car to be sure when I die that I have fresh plastic flowers on my grave. I am sure that after a few months they get bleached out from the sun and so I want to be sure they are always fresh. There was complete silence in the car. It was clear no one was going to go out every few months and put fresh plastic flowers on my grave. I would do it myself, but with the being dead thing it will be a problem.

We then drove by a place where they sell grave stones. I am just guessing that having this business near the cemetery was not an accident. Through the glass door you could see they were selling plastic flowers. I am sure they were lovely and fresh. Maybe they even smelled of new plastic.

I love that smell. 

I am going to write to the association of cemetery head markers and suggest that they provide a service where they go out every few months and put fresh, plastic flowers on your grave. It would be like a contracted, pre-payer plan. A subscription of sorts, might work, but dead people tend not to pay attention to subscriptions so the Pre-Payer Plan might be better.

I also want that someone, while they are there with the new plastic flowers, to say a prayer and cry a little. This could be a new profession - professional griever. When the professional griever comes to my grave to cry, it needs to be a heartfelt cry. I would pay more for “heartfelt”. This would be very nice especially if there were people nearby who could look over and see someone crying by my grave. I would pay more for “heartfelt” and if people were looking on. I am not sure how to work that into the "Contact for Services" in the pre-payer plan. There are good lawyers who could figure that out. 

Wailing would be nice. I always wanted someone to miss me enough to wail. Maybe they could throw themselves onto the ground while wailing. That would be nice. None of this laying a mat on the ground first or looking for a clean place on the grass. I want "all in" wailing. Moaning, crying loudly, so overcome with grief that the person is unable to stand. This would more likely be possible if the person had never met me. Whatever they have in their brain as worth wailing for is likely of better inspiration as the real person that they might meet in me. I am usually a disappointment. Even in the event of death. Maybe especially in the event of death.

Maybe I could just have someone come into the cemetery and take flowers off of other people’s graves and put them on mine. Who is going to know? And dead people don’t usually complain. This would likely get me a discount from the professional griever / plastic flower person.

For the funeral itself, I will likely have to pay a lot for a whole host (host is a good word in reference to death and dying, it's Biblical), of professional grievers. 

I wonder if there is an association of professional grievers. If not there should be. You should be able to call them up and they send out grievers, per your request. The National Association of Professional Grievers and Plastic Flower Handlers... The NAPGPFH. Nope that's too long. So it would have to be shorter. And there would need to be a union. I'll work on this in my time off and right after "The Price is Right" re-run.

No one is going to come to my funeral except Keith who I told could play the video clip of the monkeys telling the penguin joke at my funeral. Keith and the professional grievers - that will be it. 

You won't know cause you won't be there. 

©David L Arment, All rights reserved.