he will pee on your hands

 

Today my friend Dan and I went to shoot pictures.

We had our normal gear. I had big camera's. I had big lenses. I took great pictures (I hope, maybe).

During the process we came up over a hill and there in our lane was a big turtle. We were on a country road with very little place to pull over so I jumped out of the truck and took these pictures with my cell phone.

The cows in the nearby field wanted to see what this creature was doing in the road. They were all crowded over by the fence to take a look.

I wonder if it bothered the turtle. Maybe he was on his way to that side of the road, but the herd stopped him. What do you think?

Dan and I went on down the road to take a picture of an old school house. I have billions of pictures of this old building, but Dan had none so we stopped and maybe if he tries real hard he can soon have a billion also - although I doubt it.

The old school house was very close to where the turtle was trying to navigate the road. And the traffic was trying to navigate around the turtle.

While we were there one of the deputy sheriffs of the county drove by and honked his horn at us. I see him in the parks "all the time" so he knows me and I think maybe he knows Dan. So he honked his horn and waved out the window.

This same deputy made me stand for a hand scan at a recent concert. I was loaded with gear so I am always a problem for the security people. He said to me, if it beeps you are guilty. It beeped. It beeped a lot. I guess I was guilty.

... but I digress...

Then a truck stopped in the middle of the road and asked if we'd seen the turtle. I didn't know this man "from Adam". He was in the middle of the road so I knew the conversation could not last for very long. He obviously saw 200-500mm lens and cameras etc. so I knew he was stopping more because of that equipment than anything else.

Below is how the conversation went. Then after that is how the conversation would have went if 1) I knew the person well enough to be my normal "smart assed" self 2) we had more time for me to be my normal "smart assed" self.

First how it went...

Man: Did you see the turtled in the road back there?

Me: Yes, we got his picture with a cell phone.

Man: Did you help him?

Me: No, I don't pick up turtles anymore.

Man: Why?

Me: Because they pee all over my hands.

Man: (looks confused)

Me: Then what do you do with pee on your hands.

Man: Wash your hands.

How it should have gone if we had filled the two conditions stated above...

Man: Did you see the turtle in the road back there?

Me: The huge animal in the middle of the road? Of course we saw him!

Man: Did you help him?

Me: If by "help him" do you mean did we move him to the side of the road? Did you see him on the side of the road? If you had never seen him that would have meant we helped him.

Me: But no, I don't pick up turtles anymore.

Man: Why?

Me: Because they pee all over my hands.

Man: (looks confused)

Me: Then what do you do with pee on your hands.

Man: Wash your hands.

Me: No I need clean hands at all times in case I need to pick my nose.

I then drove to an Amish customer's place and showed them the turtle pictures. We then had a conversation on how to pick up turtles. This one (the one in the picture above, which is the one in the road) is a snapper and apparently you should always have a stick nearby in case you need to pick up a snapping turtle. I was told that if you put it in his face he will "snap it" and then you can pick him up and carry him to the side of the road.

I wonder.

Looking back now I don't think I could have picked that turtle up with a stick. He was huge. He must have been heavy.

And I didn't have a stick.

And I didn't want him to pee on my hands.