apps for apes

Old people complain about remote controls. That is what I will start with today. We have a bunch of them. The picture is just some of them. I only work with two of this bunch. I don’t likely know how the others work.

I ran across a remote control the other day. It was a little thing. I pushed it and pointed it at various things in the house to see what it controlled. I had to ask Pam why we had it and what it was that it operated. Turns out it was for a candle. A candle has it’s own remote control.

The candle remote turns the candle on. It turns the candle off. It increases or decreases the amount of light coming from the candle.

By now you have figured out, on your own, that the candle is electric. If you didn’t figure that out… well…

Now of course we have progressed past remote controls and the thing that has replaced them is apps. There is an app for everything. 

For example we just had a new garage door opener installed. The last one was 20 years old and was having a difficult time knowing what it was supposed to do. The new garage door opener has an app. I didn’t have to install it so I didn’t. But then one day we went on a bike ride and could not get back in the house because the outside pad that we enter our password into didn’t work. After we got inside I installed the app.

The app tells me if the door is open. It tells me if the door is closed. It tells me how long the door has been open. It tells me how long the door has been closed. It ALERTS me when the door is opening. It ALERTS me when the door is closing. And I can close or open the door from the app.

All that in one app. An app I don't likely need. 

And is is intrusive. You are completely minding your (you meaning me) own business, when the ALERT comes on that Pam opened or closed the door. It disurbs me from my normal vegetative state.

I recently purchase ad new toothbrush. It is electric. I looked for the app that controls the toothbrush and was disappointed to not find one. What a missed opportunity for the toothbrush company. While I’m holding the toothbrush in my mouth with one hand the other hand could be operating the toothbrush. It could make it go fast or slow. Faster or slower. Up or down. Up and down. Off. On. 

It might detect if there is toothpaste or not and alert you that you forgot toothpaste. Detect the chemical composition of the toothpaste and have a corresponding toothbrush pattern and pulse to optimize your brushing experience based upon the toothpaste you chose that morning.

I thought I might end this article with a funny idea of a bidet app. As you likely already know a bidet is used to clean your backside after you have “gone number 2”. 

However I am not able to tease you with all the different permutations of such an app…

… because…

They already exist.

And what they actually do extends beyond what my feeble, pea sized brain could have invented. So here are some of the things that the AI tells us this app can do for its bidet owner.

Instead of me retyping this I am “cut and pasting” the information below. Then I’ll end this with a little goodbye note.

Bidet apps serve two completely different purposes depending on whether you are at home controlling a physical device or out in public searching for a restroom.

🚽 Smart Home Control Apps

If you own a premium, high-tech electronic bidet seat, the companion app turns your phone into a remote control. These apps allow you to:

• Save Personal Profiles: Program your exact preferences for water pressure, nozzle position, and temperature.
• Activate Cycles: Start the wash, oscillate, or dry cycles directly from your smartphone screen.
• Control Eco-Modes: Schedule energy-saving times for the seat heater to turn off when you are at work or asleep.
• Track Maintenance: Get notifications when it is time to replace the water filter or clean the nozzle.

🗺️ Public Restroom Locator Apps

If you are traveling or out in a city, these crowd-sourced mapping apps help you find public facilities equipped with bidets. These apps allow you to:

• Pin Locations: View an interactive map showing nearby malls, hotels, or restaurants with bidets.
• Read User Reviews: Check community ratings for cleanliness, privacy, and operational status before you arrive.
• Filter Features: Search specifically for electronic bidets versus manual spray hoses (bum guns).

Are you looking to control a specific smart bidet model you just bought, or are you trying to find public bidets while traveling?

God help us. What will we have as an app next?

Bye for now.