The Brain Transplant (is off)

 

The Brain Transplant

(Note to Reader: The names have been changed in this story to protect the innocent. So when you see “Dr. Liu” you should know that the person’s real name is not “Liu”, instead it is something else.)

I went to see Dr. Liu. She is my new found neurologist. I need a neurologist because a cardiologist called into question the proper functioning of my brain. 

As soon as Dr. Liu came into the little consulting room I told her that my problem is that there are too many brains in my cranium. This of course causes headaches as all those brains are crowded in one place and they complain to one another about the cramped conditions. There is no higher power for them to appeal to, no arbiter of who should occupy what space, or who should get to have the best spot in the cranium; which I guess that would be near the eyes because the view would be better. This commotion, the endless arguing and yelling and general upheaval causes headaches. The French often say at the end of a declaration of fact such as this , “it is clear” (est clair); meaning “of course”, “there can be no doubt”, or “it is self-evident”. 

As I told her this she looked unconcerned. Maybe she is gathering it all in and is brilliant, but just doesn't show it.

So I just kept talking. She needs to know this. I need to tell her up front so as not to waste her valuable time and because "The Price is Right", will be on TV exactly when I get home if I can get out of her sooner rather than latter.

I told her the headaches were not really that bad. The cardiologist caught me on a bad day. “Yes” I did have a headache and “yes” my blood pressure was that of a large elephant after being chased by a pack of wild wolves (or are they chased by leopards or lions… maybe it isn’t wolves?). I guess it doesn’t matter. The point is my blood pressure was very high and I had a headache.

I told her that many of my friends think I have too many brains. That maybe we (we meaning me) should have a brain transplant where I, being still alive, would contribute, some overage of my massive brain mass, to some less fortunate person who is needy and in need. They could benefit from my situation of having too many brains that cause headaches. It would be one of those rare “win / win” situations. Fewer headaches for me, more brains for them. But – just to be clear – at the conclusion of this humanistic endeavor I would still be alive. I of course want to be alive to accept my Nobel Prize for Humanitarianism. And if there is no such prize they will create one “post haste” given my big contribution to Humanitarianism. 

I really don't know if Dr Liu does brain surgery or she does other train related stuff, but it doesn't matter. She needs to know.

Yes of course I would want to pick out the person who would receive my brain, I told her. I do know some people who live “out of State” who sure could use some more brains, but given their ineptness at using the brains they now have, it would be like throwing “pearls before swine” to give them more. Plus since they don’t like me then they wouldn’t likely even mutter “thank you”. So instead the person who would receive the brain transplant / transfer needs to be someone who DOES like me and whom will be able to testify to the Noble Humanitarianism Prize Committee (the NHPC if there is such a thing) that I’m a fantastic humanitarian.

This is all good stuff, but she isn't writing any of it down.

 And I know a lot of people who DO like me who could use some more brains. So really there is no problem finding someone, except they may not want their skull cracked open. Other than that people should be lining up around the block.

“What do you think?”, I asked.

Then I was quiet.

"Sorry, I no understand English good. I understand brain malfunction, only. No do brain surgery."

So if you are reading this and as you read were getting very excited about the prospects of having some of my brain overage put into the vacant parts of your cranium. Sorry. Dr. Liu didn’t understand so the brain transplant is “off”.

©David L Arment

PS, obviously this is fiction. I did however get paired up with a neurologist "fresh off the boat" who did not understand everything said. It was disconcerting to say the least.